What do you do when your ex-best friend contacts you

I've been thinking about blogging this for a bit and I figured I would just do it. I had a bestie, JB. JB and I had a falling out when I was pregnant. We had gotten in a large fight the year before as well. After the falling out in July of 2010, I hadn't heard a word from her.

Then mom passed away.

She found out and sent me a sympathy card. It was very nice of her. She could have easily not have done anything. She also sent me a Christmas card. In it, she apologized for our fight and said she keeps mom's card around as a reminder.

I want to send her a thank you card (we have blocked each others facebooks and emails) but I'm also hesitant. Losing her was like someone dying. We had so many good times together and there were so many times I wanted her support or friendship. I don't know if she has found my blog, I'd have to assume that she has because we have mutual friends. It means a lot that she has reached out. At the same time, I don't know if I'm ready to be friends, if she even wants to be friends. I know that I don't want to get hurt again (or hurt anyone). I'm open to advice.


-jen

the future

eek!

I kinda hate the future and thinking about my future. It kinda makes me panic. I don't really think that I am a good planner (and yet I'm an awesome planner about a lot of things). Even though I am 33, sometimes I still feel like a teenager. Sometimes, I can't believe that I really am 33, a wife and mother.

Anyway, I digress.

The real reason for this post is the possibility that my future will start tomorrow. I am going to see a school about becoming a pharmacy tech. This is not my dream job, however, it will get me going in the right direction. For a long time, I have known that I could not be a nanny forever (especially not for Molly and Conor who are old enough to have jobs themselves). I have just been in denial that I needed to have an education and a goal, and a plan. I don't know if I can start this month for the spring semester, I don't know if it is financially viable. I am glad that I am finally taking a step, an actual step, not just a hypothetical step (I've had a lot of those).

Many years ago, I told my parents that I wasn't going to finish college, I was going to be a nanny and I was happy with that choice. Being a nanny has allowed me a lot of things that a "real" job would not have. I got to watch Gabe grow up and still work. I got to be there for his first time crawling, eating, so many things. All of these memories are at work. I was (still am) very lucky. But, it is time to think outside of nannying. I think I may have broken my parents hearts a little all those years ago when I decided not to finish school. Hopefully, they will both be proud of me. (hopefully I don't chicken out!)

Christmas

The first Christmas without mom was actually better that I expected it to be. I assumed that I would be all teary-eyed, all of the time. I didn't shed any tears actually. However, there was the giant empty spot in my heart. That, I know, will never go away, but I was glad that I could be fully present and in the moment for Gabe and everyone else.

This Christmas had a lot of firsts. This was the first day before Christmas Eve and Christmas Eve that I didn't work in forever. It felt a little weird. Since I didn't work though, I was able to help my mother in law and Jasmin make tamales! I had never been able to before. It was nerve-racking, I didn't know if mine were going to turn out good. It didn't take as long as I thought it would though. It took the three of us a few hours to do. Mine actually turned out good, you couldn't tell they were made by a first timer.

 Christmas Eve was spent at my in-laws as usual. I will do another post with those pictures. We took A TON of family pictures. My dad came and spent some time with us as well. That was really nice. It was also really nice to hear my mother in law tell my dad that we were all a family.

We let gabe open presents early because he was getting a little tired. I have never seen a kid get so excited about every present they opened. He was shrieking with joy over everything, even socks! Honestly, no matter how sad I was really feeling, it is truly difficult to not have a smile on your face while looking at your kid's excitement.

 

This week...ugh

This has been the kind of week where mom not being here makes things suck even more. No, not because of Christmas (I'll get to that) but because of life things that I want her comfort and advice for.

I have bronchitis. It sucks. I've never had it before. It's not like it's a super big deal, but it would be nice to have my mommy. I'm trying to drink a lot of fluids and take the cough medicine every four hours, but I'd love to hear her suggestions on how to make the cough feel not so horrible.



Gabe has been using the potty now for at least two weeks. It's so awesome! Well, except for the fact that he won't poop anymore. He has gone on the potty so I'm not sure what exactly is stopping him now. We have tried giving him a warm bath and we even are telling him he can have candy if he poops. But he is holding steady. We gave him a few chewable laxative things, but they haven't truly worked. I don't want to give him an enema. Sometimes we can barely wipe his butt because he gets so upset, how can I give him an enema??






So, it's silly things like a mom's advice that I'm missing most lately. I hope you guys aren't getting tired of all of the mom posts. I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

-jen

Update on life

Wow! It's been a long time. I have been really busy and not always feeling in a good place. It's hard to blog when you barely have a moment to yourself, and in that moment you are missing mom like crazy.

Anyways....

Update on jorge.....he's doing great! He recovered from surgery really well and really quickly. He's been having a lot of quality time with gabe and I love it (even though I miss gabe terribly) I'm so glad they are getting time together.






Update on dad...he had surgery on his left knee. He's at home, rehabbing and got his staples out yesterday. He's already set up the next surgery for January 20th.

Update on gabe....man, has that little guy grown. He's potty trained now, something I never thought would happen. He is even using the regular toilet, not the little plastic potty! He sings 'twinkle, twinkle' all of the time. I don't have a whole lot more though, because I'm not spending the time with him that I used to.









Update on me....still plugging away at Beans (kinda. I haven't touched the sewing machine in a week or more). But, Alli and I did really well for our first craft fair. We sold three Beans and a ton of bows! I'm trying to decide on the next step for my future. I want to go back to school, I just haven't had the time to go talk to a counselor yet and see what my options are. I am assuming that I will have to start from scratch since its been so long. I'm also missing mom. We made cookie press cookies last weekend and inside I was a mess. But they turned out good and we will probably make more this weekend (if there's time!)




-jen