Sunday, January 5, 2014

What do you do when your ex-best friend contacts you

I've been thinking about blogging this for a bit and I figured I would just do it. I had a bestie, JB. JB and I had a falling out when I was pregnant. We had gotten in a large fight the year before as well. After the falling out in July of 2010, I hadn't heard a word from her.

Then mom passed away.

She found out and sent me a sympathy card. It was very nice of her. She could have easily not have done anything. She also sent me a Christmas card. In it, she apologized for our fight and said she keeps mom's card around as a reminder.

I want to send her a thank you card (we have blocked each others facebooks and emails) but I'm also hesitant. Losing her was like someone dying. We had so many good times together and there were so many times I wanted her support or friendship. I don't know if she has found my blog, I'd have to assume that she has because we have mutual friends. It means a lot that she has reached out. At the same time, I don't know if I'm ready to be friends, if she even wants to be friends. I know that I don't want to get hurt again (or hurt anyone). I'm open to advice.


Thursday, January 2, 2014

the future


I kinda hate the future and thinking about my future. It kinda makes me panic. I don't really think that I am a good planner (and yet I'm an awesome planner about a lot of things). Even though I am 33, sometimes I still feel like a teenager. Sometimes, I can't believe that I really am 33, a wife and mother.

Anyway, I digress.

The real reason for this post is the possibility that my future will start tomorrow. I am going to see a school about becoming a pharmacy tech. This is not my dream job, however, it will get me going in the right direction. For a long time, I have known that I could not be a nanny forever (especially not for Molly and Conor who are old enough to have jobs themselves). I have just been in denial that I needed to have an education and a goal, and a plan. I don't know if I can start this month for the spring semester, I don't know if it is financially viable. I am glad that I am finally taking a step, an actual step, not just a hypothetical step (I've had a lot of those).

Many years ago, I told my parents that I wasn't going to finish college, I was going to be a nanny and I was happy with that choice. Being a nanny has allowed me a lot of things that a "real" job would not have. I got to watch Gabe grow up and still work. I got to be there for his first time crawling, eating, so many things. All of these memories are at work. I was (still am) very lucky. But, it is time to think outside of nannying. I think I may have broken my parents hearts a little all those years ago when I decided not to finish school. Hopefully, they will both be proud of me. (hopefully I don't chicken out!)

Wednesday, January 1, 2014


The first Christmas without mom was actually better that I expected it to be. I assumed that I would be all teary-eyed, all of the time. I didn't shed any tears actually. However, there was the giant empty spot in my heart. That, I know, will never go away, but I was glad that I could be fully present and in the moment for Gabe and everyone else.

This Christmas had a lot of firsts. This was the first day before Christmas Eve and Christmas Eve that I didn't work in forever. It felt a little weird. Since I didn't work though, I was able to help my mother in law and Jasmin make tamales! I had never been able to before. It was nerve-racking, I didn't know if mine were going to turn out good. It didn't take as long as I thought it would though. It took the three of us a few hours to do. Mine actually turned out good, you couldn't tell they were made by a first timer.

 Christmas Eve was spent at my in-laws as usual. I will do another post with those pictures. We took A TON of family pictures. My dad came and spent some time with us as well. That was really nice. It was also really nice to hear my mother in law tell my dad that we were all a family.

We let gabe open presents early because he was getting a little tired. I have never seen a kid get so excited about every present they opened. He was shrieking with joy over everything, even socks! Honestly, no matter how sad I was really feeling, it is truly difficult to not have a smile on your face while looking at your kid's excitement.