Tuesday, February 25, 2014

People pleaser

Hi my name is Jen and I'm a people pleaser.

They say the first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem. I admit it, I people please too much. I worry about myself and my needs or wants last. I would rather have everyone around me happy, even if it means that I am miserable. I have been like this for as long as I can remember.

This has really been evident lately. I'm trying to decide if I want to go to school, leave nannying behind, find a morning nanny job...it has been pretty stressful. Mostly, it's been stressful because I want to make my dad and Jorge happy by going to school. There are moms that I don't want to disappoint by telling them I don't want to be their nanny.

One mom wanted me to work for them a few hours a week, she was convinced that we were a great fit, but her kids didn't even come out of their rooms the whole time I was there. Still I felt horrible telling her it wouldn't work out. I had no desire to work for this family, and I knew it, but I didn't want to disappoint someone or hurt someone's feelings.

Another example happened a few weeks ago. My aunts mom passed away. I wanted to go to the wake. However, the night before I was so overcome thinking about my mom. Jorge said it would probably be too hard on me, having lost mom so recently. I was still determined to go, I didn't want to upset my aunt by not being there. That morning, I was still an emotional wreck. I finally made the choice to think about myself for once. I wouldn't be supportive of my aunt if I walked in crying already. And what about Gabe? He didn't need to see my crying all day. I chose not to go, I still felt bad but not as bad as I would have if I tried to face someone who's mom just passed away.

Hopefully, I will be able to put myself first a little more often now that I've admitted that I have a problem.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

A catch up

 I love looking at that smiling face!! What a winter it has been! It seems like it has only been snow and cold and snow and cold.  I think that this crazy weather has really taken a toll on me. All I want to do is sit on the couch and wrap myself in a blanket and maybe  have some tea. All this kiddo wants to do is go play out in the snow and he doesn't understand why he can't. However, the other day it was actually "warm" enough to go play in the snow and not be afraid of getting frostbite or hypothermia.

it's kinda hard to see, but Gabe drew a truck!!

We've definitely had a lot of family time lately. It's so nice to have a weekend where we don't feel like we are running in a million different places. A few weeks ago we went to breakfast with Jorge's parents and sisters. The weekend after that, Jorge and I actually had time to have a date! Wait! Not just a date, but almost a whole day just me and him. It was weird, not having Gabe with us, but it was also nice, just the two of us. I hope we can try to squeeze a few more dates in soon.

His cheese face…hahaha

Oh yeah, this happened too. Most of you know, but jorge was admitted to the hospital again. It was February 5th. I worked late on a tuesday. I brought home Taco Bell and Jorge ate a little and said he was full. He couldn't sleep that night and around 2 he started vomiting. He continued vomiting for most of the night. He wouldn't let me take him to the ER. I knew this was more than just the flu or food poisoning. I had a trial day at a new job the next day and it had snowed the night before so I had to leave early that wednesday morning. Jorge didn't go to work and assured me that he'd be fine. His dad was coming over later that morning, so I was only kinda worried.  When Jorge's dad got to our house, he found jorge curled up on the bathroom floor, in between getting sick, and Gabe watching cartoons. Thankfully, they went to the ER. It turned out to be a swollen abscess, from the surgery that he had in November. He was only in the hospital for two days, but after everything else, any hospital stay is so stressful. He seems mostly ok now, but I think this will possibly keep happening if he doesn't monitor what he eats.

The last piece of news is that I finally got my tattoo for mom. It's a kind of tin man heart. Hopefully it will be all healed in the next few days and I can put up some pictures of it. Right now, it's in it's gross, peeling, itchy phase (ugh). Hopefully, my next post will be sooner than 30 days!

Friday, February 7, 2014

sidney had a dream about my mom….

Hi Jenny! I feel it is important to tell you about my dream last night.
Last night as I was having dreams like I usually do about running from something
or something like that. Then there was this weird transition to a different dream where
you me dad and gabe were at the house. You me and dad were sitting on the couch
and gabe was playing with his toys and running around. As we were siting down I saw
your mom. And I said look Jenny it's your mom! But you and dad said no! Nothing's
there! And I said no I see her she's right here! And you guys said "I don't believe you!"
And I said okay fine. Then your mom said "it's okay they usually can't see me but that's
okay" and I asked her what she was doing here and why only I could see her. She
said she just wanted to stop by to check out the place. And I was the only one who
could see her. Then she told me to tell you she said hi. So I told you and you still didn't
believe me. So I told her to tell me stuff only you and her would know. So she told me
stuff and I was telling you and you guys were laughing together and crying. Then you
were just sitting down. And she was just watching gabe playing and running around
and she was smiling. Then she said "well...I have to go" while the whole time still
looking at gabe. Then she said "tell them I love them and I'm always watching after
them" and then I said can't you stay? And she just nodded her head no but she was
still Watching gabe. Then she turned away and looked around the house.
(By the way I forgot to mention she was sitting on the new couch with her arms up on it
like she was relaxing) then as she was looking around she patted the couch with her
hands and said "nice couch" then she disappeard and I had a totally different dream.
Also in my dream she was wearing a grey shirt and a necklace that was like a pearl.
And she was wearing jeans and I couldn't tell shoes. She had short hair. So that was
my dream about your mom and I think she would want me to tell you.