Saturday, March 29, 2014


Let's be honest, my mom died because of smoking. I have never liked smoking and have never smoked a single cigarette in my life. I don't understand why people smoke, but I guess some people don't understand why I love coffee so much.

Growing up in a house of smoke for 25 years, I never realized what it was doing to things. For example, we took a tv from my mom when we moved. We cleaned and cleaned, it had that much smoke residue on it. It smelled faintly of smoke too. When we would go over for Sunday dinners, I would notice that we smelled like smoke once we got home. I cannot believe that for 25 years I smelled like smoke and I never knew it.

I'm honestly kind of disgusted by people who smoke. You are poisoning your body and possibly the bodies of the people around you. It doesn't really make it better if you smoke outside, you're still smoking. I really wanted mom to stop smoking once Gabe was born, but she didn't. She always tried to smoke away from him, but she wouldn't give it up, no matter how much I begged her. I wonder if she would still be here if she had quit for Gabe. I also wonder how much I need to worry about my own lung health because I lived with second hand smoke for such a long time.

I don't want to be preachy or anything and I'm sorry if it comes off that way. Smoking has taken many people from me. Before I was born, my mom's dad died from lung cancer. In 2005, my mom's mom also died from lung cancer. I still don't understand how my mom didn't stop smoking at that moment. Honestly, I'm more terrified when I think about so many people on my mom's side dying from lung cancer. I feel like I must be more susceptible to it. I hope this post changes just one person's mind about lighting their next cigarette.

I work out...


Back in February, Jorge and I ordered T25. It's by the same people who do P90X and Beachbody, except that it's only 25 minutes. For someone like me 25 minutes is perfect.


Life seems to keep getting in the way. I know. If I really wanted to work out I'd make the time. I get up at 6:45 for work and then don't get home until 6. I have to get dinner ready for the natives, eat and then it's usually gabe's bedtime. I can't really do it in the morning because Gabe will more than likely wake up if I'm not in bed with him and I can't hear him in the basement. I can do it *most* evenings, but not always. We've been at friends houses until 10, gone grocery shopping in the evening and I've worked late just this week alone.

I'm really wanting to work out, I'm just having trouble finding the time. In the evenings I usually sew or catch up on social media or tv (usually a combo of the three). I get that I could do those after, but I'm already up until 11 doing those things. If I work out it will be that much later.

Typing that made me really see how many excuses I make for myself. I guess I'm not as motivated as I think I am. Hopefully in a month I will have better news to report.


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Wordless Wednesday

Gabe had a lot of fun feeding baby L the other day...

He also got pretty goofy....


Thursday, March 20, 2014


I've been around kids for a very long time. I started working at a Montessori school when I was 20. I have babysat, taught and nannied at least a dozen children. I have been hit, pinched, bit and kicked. I have been yelled at. I have had tiny bodies flung at me. I have never before been choked by a child. Until now.

I don't know where he picked it up (not from us...seriously!) but when gabe gets upset he reaches out and chokes me. It's happened twice now. The first time I was stooped down talking to him about going to the bathroom by yourself and not with your friends. He was upset. He screamed no and then lunged at me with his hands around my throat. The second time, was this past weekend when it was time for bed. I brought him to the basement to say goodnight to Sidney and he was very tired and very upset. He was crying and screaming. As I was trying to get him up the stairs, he somehow wriggled out of my arms and was facing me. I'm was gently telling him it was bedtime. Sidney was even trying to help. Then he lunged again and choked me. I pulled away and he did it again! I scooped him up like a football and got him into bed.

I am unsure if what to do. It's kinda scary. Kids can have super strength sometimes. and not knowing where he learned it, I don't know what to make sure he doesn't see again. If it was a cartoon or something, I would just make sure we didn't watch that one, but I am at a loss. I'd greatly appreciate suggestions. As far as I know, he hasn't tried with with anyone else.


Monday, March 17, 2014


Last night, my heart broke into a million pieces. We were out eating and I asked Sidney to get me some more pop. Gabe heard me say papa and asked where he was. I told him that papa was at home and Gabe asked if GB was there too. I gave him a hug and said "no, baby she's in heaven". He looked at me with these huge eyes and asked "but why does she have to be in heaven?" I nearly lost it. I didn't even know what to say.

Sometimes, it just hits me. I want to cry, but the tears won't come. All I feel is empty and lost and sad.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Pretty great night

Tonight we had a family outing. It's not easy to get two parents, a teenager and a 3 year old to agree on a night out, but we succeeded. Ok, truth be told, the outing was for gabe, but we went and enjoyed it as a family. We went to princess and pirate, Disney Junior Live!

There was a part about Sophia and one about jake. Gabe was a little hesitant when the turned the lights off, (he really has a thing against Mickey and Minnie and of course they had to come out and introduce Sophia). He screamed once, a vast improvement over Disney on Ice. For a bit, we just didn't talk to him and he seemed to be doing ok. At the end of Sophia, she grows (it's kinda creepy actually) and sings and gabe actually shouted "look! Sophia got so big!" This felt like such an accomplishment!

He did really good during Jake and the never land pirates. He sat on my lap, wasn't scared of captain hook and was even smiling. The best part was when tick tock crock came out and he started laughing and giggling! My heart burst into a million pieces. Maybe he wasn't up dancing and singing like the kid next to us, but he was having a good time.

When we left he said "that was so awesome!" (heart bursting)


Friday, March 14, 2014

Flashback Friday

It's not really a flashback, but more of the pictures that I wanted to post on Wednesday and forgot.

Here is a look back at the past few weeks....


Friday, March 7, 2014

Mom makes an awesome angel

There's no question that my mom was the best, and I miss her everyday. However, she makes a pretty awesome angel. I didn't blog about this, but I kept meaning to….

December 21st, mom's three month "anniversary", was my *Lucky Day*. It all started with a plan to go see Santa. Of course, everyone needs Dunkin Donuts to brave Santa a few days before Christmas. At the drive-thru, I wanted a chai latte. The machine was down so I just ordered my regular coffee and some munchkins for Gabe. We pull around to pay and they say it's on them because I really wanted a chai. WHAT?! Awesome! Then Gabe sat so nicely for Santa. On our way back to the car, I just wanted to see how much a shirt was at New York and Company.  As we walked in the store, we were handed coupons. Sidney opened the coupon that Gabe/I was handed. It was good for $100 off a purchase!! So, I could "spend" $100, and not really owe anything.

Admittedly, my mom spoiled me, and shopping was one of our favorite things to do together. It's also one of the things that I miss most. I could call her up and ask if she wanted to go to Kohl's or Target and she almost always said yes. She also spoiled me at christmas. I know that this was her way of giving me Christmas. Even Jorge agreed.

There have been a few other things, but yesterday was another biggie. I was offered a job and I was so terrified to tell my boss. It's been 12 years, it's like a relationship. We were in the car together and she told me that she had some news, I said I had news too. She said that she was making a job change, and would be home most of the time.  I said "great! Because I was offered a job!" I really was nervous about leaving and wondering if I was making the right decision, but it all worked out in the end.

I miss my mom, but I love that I have someone looking out for me up there.

Oh yeah, one more thing….for the past few days I have been really nervous and stressed out about the whole job thing and my necklace with mom's fingerprint has been stuck. After I got home last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I tried to unstick it (I had been trying before), and it came free immediately. I had been wondering if mom wanted me to keep it on, because I was thinking about taking it off, I guess she wants it on. I think it was just another way of her showing me that my "problems" were working themselves out.