kinda depressed *venting*

*sigh*

so i am feeling a little depressed.  i had a great three day weekend, but i have been thinking about getting my hair cut.  i know, what is there to be depressed about getting your hair cut? well, last year, i had really long hair until i cut it around easter.  i thought i looked super cute. i have always liked myself in short hair.  i often go see my stylist and tell her just do what you want, because i trust her and like short hair.

well....after seeing pictures from my birthday in may of 2011, i am terrified of getting my hair cut and actually getting a little sad thinking about the way i look in general.

may 2011

then, of course, i think of how i really want to look, how i used to look. i have not really been happy with my body since i was younger, like very early 20s.  however, looking back, i actually looked really good even though i was thinking i looked huge.

halloween 2008

honestly, at our halloween party i was stressing that i looked "fat" in my costume. who was i kidding?! i looked HOT!

june 2008

a few weeks ago

ok, looking at the bottom picture, im not so bad.  i know alot of it is in my head.  actually, there is a lot of contradictions going on in my head.  i see myself as a skinny person, like i used to be, but i also see myself as a HUGE person.  i obviously am not seeing myself for who/what i really am.

i step on the scale and it hovers around the same number that it has for a year. it's a whole lot better than where i started, that's for sure.  but, i am not happy. what am i doing about it? honestly, not a whole lot. i am trying to eat less, not necessarily better.  it's hard when i watch jorge enjoying tons of food, to realize that i cannot eat like that still.  i am not working out. however, i am going to start walking one-two times a week with my friend megan.  we are going to start small and hopefully, it will show results.  also, i have been denied by my insurance, for my breast reduction.  i hope to lose some weight between now and when i get approved so that my smaller breasts with be in better proportion with my body.

*ugh ugh ugh*
im sorry for venting. im just struggling here a bit and looking at old photos and thinking about a face framing hair cut was giving me some anxiety. i hope that now that i have gotten it out, i will feel better about things.  i am not getting my hair cut right now, a hair cut should not give me such anxiety so i think it's better to wait. hopefully the walking with give me a more positive outlook and having someone else relying on me will keep me motivated!